in defense to my ultra nega feelings

Quite a few  questioned as to why I am so affected with my cousin’s current condition.  So, this entry.

 

The reason why I’m so shaken/disturbed/affected is because this cousin of mine is very close to me, even more than a sister.  My whole family considers her like a part of ours.

 

I (and my elder sis) have lived with my uncle for years before he got married because he often had nightmares and he used to live alone.  When my Uncle got married and his wife got pregnant, I was always her company (walking around, getting the foods she craved for, eating with her, listening to her weirdest feelings,  etc).  When she delivered my cousin,  I lived  with them.

 

My mama was always the one who took charge of taking care of my little cousin when my auntie had appointments or when my cousin was simply bored of her usual environment.  Mama was the only one who could make her eat when she’s sick.

 

On summer  vacations, I lived with them.  I sang songs with her.  I taught her little things.  I helped her practice her speech on her KG-2 Graduation.  I  helped her memorize her first favorite song.  We made and practiced her speeches.  We reviewed for her competitions (Math, Science).  I was almost always there.

 

My Uncle and Auntie were always there especially when we ran out of resource – foods, finances for our education, etc.  They were always very supportive.  Since papa died, my Uncle always checks on us.  He’s my mama’s closest sibling.  He’s always there fighting for us whenever necessary.

 

So, my cousin is really a sister or even more, to me.  Her parents are like mine.  Mine are like hers.

 

So, this bad news is really disturbing me.

 

Imagine your own youngest sister having a brain complication (lesion) causing her seizures and blood clot and eventually (hopefully not),  intellectual degradation (especially when you’re so used to seeing her climb up the stage and have her medal).  It sucks big time.  It hurts big time. We couldn’t afford to see her like that.  And yet, what are our choices?

 

So, there.  I hope you’d understand.  Or that I would?  – -  That life’s like this!  It sucks, sometimes!

too heavy to bear

I’m beginning to think this pregnancy happens at the wrong time. And God forgive me, and my little angel too, but I really am feeling this isn’t right. Yet.

October 1991. My Auntie was rushed to a public hospital. But then, she was transfered to a better hospital hours after their arrival. Traffic jam was beyond heavy at that time. My uncle, who’s a driver by profession (school bus driver), wanted to take the steering wheel from the ambulance driver and drive the ambulance himself. But no, not good. So, he went off and beg for the drivers around to give way. He was crying and begging. His child and wife’s lives are in danger. If you’re a driver and you saw him that time, you’d be touched and you’d move away to give way. Finally, they went home. I was waiting for them. I was assigned to help my Auntie. We were rejoicing. It’s a bouncing baby girl!

Then auntie became pregnant of their second baby. She was scheduled for a C-Section so she went to see her doctor the day prior. And then the next day, she left, with my mom and my uncle. The very next day, they came back. But we were not rejoicing. The atmosphere was gloomy. The baby, inside a box. He’s dead. He died the day before his scheduled birth, inside the womb.

So, my bouncing baby girl cousin remained the only child. She’s the most precious child in my place. Everyone, from relatives to merely neighbors adore her. She is so brilliant and never a bitch, her parents, the humblest.

Every year, on her birthday, they would have a celebration, like a feast, for all the neighbors and relatives. This is the only time in a year that her family celebrates something this way. The rest are celebrated very simply with just the three of them (New Year, Christmas, parent’s birthday…).

She went school.   She became top one and had her first medal at 3 years old. Then she graduated Valedictorian – Pre-School, Elementary, and High School. She ranks first on the (all) Engineering Dean’s List at the University of San Carlos. She is a Chemical Engineering student and is under a US-organization Scholarship.

She turned 18 last October 7.  Days after her birthday (and final exams), she was rushed to the hospital for seizures.  A blood clot was found. She underwent machine tests and for a day, we were relieved that the doctors didn’t find anything abnormal other than the clot. We were speculating it was just due to overfatigue because to sleepless nights of studying for her finals. Yesterday though, our world turned into pieces. She had MRI. And then, shockingly, she was diagnosed with Cavernous Angioma (Pituitary Lesion)! We may have options (2 or 1), but all of them, while obviously costing our lives, do not guarantee a thing.

Three years ago, my dad died of cancer.  Months ago, my father in-law had heart attack for heart enlargement.  And now, this comes (at the time I thought pregnancy is perfectly at the right time).  This is too heavy to handle.

Lord, rescue us.  Please rescue us.  This is way beyond our strength.  Why can’t we breath fresh air for a long time?  Can you turn all of this into just a bad dream?  Can you wake us up? Can you help us strengthen our faith?  Can you carry this for us because we can not anymore make it?  And can you hold and shield my little angel while I cry?  Please,  Lord God, say, yes.

we’re looking for a baby name

Thank you everyone for the greetings.

Now, we’d like to gather your suggestions for a baby name (boy & girl).  Please flood us with your ideas.  (Hubby’s name is Ken.  My name is Rose.  Just if you need these info) .  Please also include their meanings if they do have.

Thanks a lot!

binary 11 or 01…it’s like magic!

So, it’s either 11 or 01.  I don’t know with other brands but the one (the only one) I’ve tried is just that.

More than a month delayed and me not feeling well had made me decide to buy this Pregnancy Kit.  By the time I (we) got it, I wanted immediately to try it.  But the mall’s toilet bowl was dirty so, I tried it at home, instead.  I was the only one inside the toilet, I didn’t know how to use it, so I held my pee and read the instructions for a while.  Then, I peed.  The very few minutes of evolution from unknown to positive or negative is very dramatic.  I was on focus, never put the stick down.  My eyes were on the stick until I saw the result.  Then I went out and went inside our room.  Hubby wondered why the plastic with the kit (box) was almost empty when I went in.  And he figured I already did use it.  I was void of reaction, so he couldn’t tell.  I let him see it for himself.  He was puzzled.  He was thinking he didn’t know how to interpret it and had to read the inserted printed instructions first.  But, with no choice,  he took the stick.  And here it is…

He was shouting (in ecstacy of course).

So, now, our family is complete.  One year after marriage, as planned.  Thank you Lord for blessing us with this angel.  Help us to face the challenges that we should be facing and help us to become responsible parents.  Help me not to suffer (except the usual way) and not to gain too much weight too (hehe).

I thought I had flu and hubby would always tell me to drink flu meds.  I thought I missed intense hunger and hubby would tell me to have our native home remedy (exposing my tummy to the steam of boiled cooked rice while I and the pot are fully enclosed/covered with a blanket).  But I always refused.  I already had the feeling.