loosened screw

this is really yucky but have to share this.

one of the passengers of the train i was riding on this morning went in very noisily. i knew then that he isn’t the normal type, he looked fine though. he sat in front of me. then he inserted his finger to his nose and then inserted the same finger to his mouth. and kept doing it (in same sequence, in a uniform speed) until he went off.

i felt like vomitting.

i went off and rushed to the comfort room.

here in japan, there are a number of people of this type. there is a high school student, riding on the same train i am using for work every morning, who’s acting like he has an imaginary friend. he sits in a slant position, implicitly demanding a space for someone and (sort of )says he’s reserving that seat for his friend and talks (in a loud voice) to that friend the whole time he’s inside the train. there’s also an adult, (i often get to ride with on the same train after work) who seems to have his’ (imaginary friend) too. i wonder if these two are father and son.

it’s sad to know, but i think, their families just don’t care about them. in my country, very few weird people wander around, usually, they are not permitted to go out by their families. and i haven’t met a person who seems to have an imaginary friend in my country. is it because we have real friends while the people here can be fine with just facing their game gadgets without dealing with real humans?

this is bogging me.  why? for a lot of reasons. and also, because they can hurt (and even kill) people as easily as they do when defeating their opponents of a computer-based game.  the alarming thing? the difference between real and imaginary is approaching to nothing, for them.

crucial.

emancipating from personal slavery

i’m not sure if it’s only me but when i start to dislike a person, every move he makes then, irritates me – the sound of his voice, the sight of his shadow, the sound of his keyboard… etcera, etcera, etcera.
every good thing he does after that, is pointless. i won’t see it. i’m bias.

i can be oblivious to the person. i can stop talking with him and worst, can laugh at the his misery and say in muted voice, “good for you”.

yet, it pains me. how can i laugh and yet ache inside? how is that possible? i don’t know. but that is how i feel when my human nature invites me to act revengeful.

i guess you’re aware that i did not so much like my leader. there’s friction. i did not like the way he handles the group, the way he shouts, the way he tries to tell us he’s good and he’s working so hard sounding like like trying to cancel how good we are (JOKE!) and how hard we work (HAHA!).

it had been friction with him for months. and i was in oblivion to his sickness and hunger or tiredness or whatever is it that he complained about.

he told me weeks ago that he’s suffering from stomachache. no sound from me. cold. i was so cold. i told him “good for you. that’s because you don’t eat. that’s because you want to appear so so hardworking”. did i? yep. in my mind. i felt bad though, for not reacting, for not saying anything, for not offering at least a packet of pretz i had in my drawer. i know he would accept it.

what does it make of me? nothing. pretended to feel good but inside i knew i just dismissed the chance to become friends with him.

and then, i tried. and we started communicating. and it feels good. and now, i’m free. free from that negative feelings i have for him.

why haven’t i kept what i have learned? why haven’t i observed what i already know? i only worsened the situation instead of making it better.

What usually hurts you is not how others treat you, it’s your reaction. While you can control yourself, you can not control others. But you can control others by controlling yourself.

anniversaries in sequence

there are 4 children in the family. all girls. the youngest married on may, the eldest, june, the second, july, and the third, august.

it’s us. we did not intend to do this. never thought about it. but that’s it.

we’re celebrating  wedding anniversaries in sequence may, june, july, august.

what “well” means

was chatting with my friend before having my lunch. when the bell rang:

me: i’m gonna go, eat lunch.

friend: ok. eat well para healthy.

me: hehe

in my dialect “eat well” is directly translated as “kaon tarung”. no problem with this. but when i try to think about it, the way we use “kaon tarung”, (at my home at least) is not how it should be used. we say “kaon tarung” to directly mean “eat lots”. mama says “kaon tarung” to mean, “eat more” more than “eat well”. it signals an invitation to eat further, and not really eat healthy.

i think there is a mistake (in my understanding or in our usage). the mistake is that the background meaning should have been the foreground. the foreground meaning should have been perfect without the background.

My dialect? Bisaya or Cebuano (Philippines’).

living and leaving

No amount of preparation could ever be enough. Yes. Of course. But at least, it’s there, you knew it’s coming. Soon enough. Close enough to actual.

Rudy Fernandez, famous Filipino actor, died of periampullary cancer last Saturday. I can not help but remember my own father’s death. Their cases were identical, diagnosed with stage 3 (different cancer though), chemotherapy, got better (no traces @ all according to the lab exams, at least this is my father’s case), and then the cancer recurred, terminal stage, methasthesis.

I remember again the struggles that my father (and we) went through. How Lorna Tolentino (actor’s wife) narrated their story is a lot like ours- crying inside the comfort room, shower, anywhere away from the patient. The better half, always suffers the worst. I, perhaps, have only the slightest idea of what my mama went through.

In the end, nothing’s left but the acceptance of both the one who’ll leave and those left.

I used to think that it’s better to leave than be left. The one who remains is left with all the hurt while the one who left is going on an adventure, somewhere unknown. And it’s quite exciting, makes you wonder what really lies ahead. Putting my feet on the other’s shoes, however, made me realize that it may not be what I thought. How could I say that the one who dies is in a better situation than the one left when the one left is grieving with her family (kids, mother, father, sis, bros, friends) while the one who left had to do it alone (usually)? The loved ones, grieving are left with a known state and a known environment while the one who departed is to go some place he’s not yet travelled, ALONE.

But then this depends on what the person leaving is believing in. If he’s certain that he’s going some place better or that he’d simply seize to exist, then, he might leave in a better state of mind that those he left. Else, he’ll die in fear.

I’ve always believed that it’s better to die of a disease(e.g cancer) than be killed by someone, or even die while sleeping. Why? because, most likely, you have enough time to prepare. I know, we should always be prepared because we don’t know when death will strike, but then, it’s so much different when your tenure is forecasted (real close to actual). The type of preparation is certainly better (both for the one leaving and those staying). We can not go on living, thinking constantly, “i can die anytime soon.” If we do, then, we stop working and spend our time with those we love. But if know we have a year left, we could spend maybe 6 months of it, living an ordinary yet meaningful life and maybe, the remaining, not really ordinary (perhaps we stop working, etc…) but the most meaningful life we could ever have.

The desire to leave is there when we can’t bear the pain anymore, while we wouldn’t want to die while merrily shopping. I think this is true to my father (and to Rudy too), he was already desiring to leave even before he left, because he was suffering from too much pain, that which he couldn’t describe and that which painkillers couldn’t kill. The loved ones too, may be a little open to letting go, seeing how unbearable the pain is (for the patient) and how useless they (loved ones) can be.

To lose a loved one, is, undoubtedly, a pain. But then, to lose him through vehicle accident or random stabbing or anything of this sort, is far too painful, far too unfair.

No amount of preparation could ever be enough. Yes. Of course. But at least, it’s there, you knew it’s coming. Soon enough. Close enough to actual.

taking lives in tokyo

This one’s alarming…. go shopping, walk innocently and get killed by someone who doesn’t even know you.

what happened to japan? what happened to the world? where is safety?

it’s drugs and alcohol that usually cause people to commit crimes, in japan, it’s video games and comic books.

tired of living? what makes you think the innocent lives you’ve taken are tired of theirs?

a weekend of nightmares

My mama sent me this SMS,
“Is it okay that you younger sis marries ahead of you? She’s pregnant.”

I was shocked.  This is so unexpected – my sister got pregnant before marriage. This is a NO-NO in our family, not that we judge others who do this but this a house rule we all followed.  I consumed a good amount of money calling my mama, my sisters, my boyfriend and my younger sister’s boyfriend.

I have no problem with letting my sister marry ahead of me. On the same year as I have planned? No problem with that. But I have a problem with making sure the guy loves her and is marrying her not only for the baby but because he loves my sister. (My sister, I know she loves him.)He didn’t sound so convincing when I called him. I might have sounded too hot. I don’t know.  All I knew was that I wanted to know straight from him, with all honesty, what his plans are and whether or not he loves my sister the way I thought he should.

So there, I was stuck in the house during the weekend. I didn’t go out. I grieve. If that’s the term to call it.  I was just bothered. Marriage could either be a lifelong experience of more agony than ecstacy or the other way around. I don’t want my sister to be suffering from the later.

Sunday morning, Mayen expressed how sad she was for the death of her aunt, she considered her second mom. I felt sad for her. She’s been dead worried about this.  She wanted to see her and wanted her to wait for her, at least, when she gets home this year.

Sunday evening (on that weekend), Kay burst into tears.  Four of her cousins (all girls) and her niece were almost killed by a drug addict. They’re all in delicate conditions.  This moved my nerves. How unmerciful and inhuman can humans be?!!?!

Sunday midnight, Shiera, broke the news of her father’s death (heart attack). Oh my GOD! What are these?

And then, I felt so ashamed to be dead worried about my sister’s condition. I shifted my worries and concern to something else- to Kay’s, Shiera’s and Mayen’s misery.

All these, happened on the same weekend, some two or three weeks ago. All these, to all four of us, close friends, working in Japan.

(Oh, and my sister? She got married on May 27 to the man she loves and the man who loves her. I hope.)