waiting…in vain?

will you ever wait for someone you know will leave you anyway?  foolish question. 

 i waited for you for…like forever. 
 you came but didn’t say hi. 
 without me, you left and said goobye. 
 for so long, i waited for you.?
 hey, how could i just let you go?

(or was it me?  was it me who took you for granted?)

why don’t i get the chance to even tell you
how long i have waited? for you.

so that, at least, you know.
and when you know, your conscience would tell you-
that you, you should wait for me.
although, i know, you couldn’t. 
yes, there was no way you could.
i know that.  for a certainty.

but it’s better that you know.
for it’s better that you’d think of how cruel
is it for you to just leave me.
for even if you couldn’t do anything too,
it’s just a joy knowing you’re bothered.

had i tell you… does it really matter?
or was it me who’s just thinking that you’ll be bothered.
for in reality, since there was nothing you could do,
you wouldn’t feel anything at all.

and i am left feeling sorry in assumption that you’d feel guilty.
for you wouldn’t.  not even slightly. not even the smallest bit of it.

sigh.
how painful!
how oblivious of you!
how bitter i feel!

hey! i’ll go with you.  could you hear me?  i am shouting.  i’ll run after you.  the fastest i could.  till i consume myself just to get to you. and walk with you. and be with you.

will you ever realize how damn important you are to me?

———————————————–

to explain….

funny how we wait in excitement for a thing to come. sometimes, we look forward for things to come in years.  but we do wait.  patiently.  having something to look forward to, makes every waking hours a joy.  we imagine of the thing that is to arrive, we imagine of its arrival.. it brings smile on our face. and then we keep going, hoping one day we’d wake up having the thing we’re excited about.

but weird, because, more often, the waiting is more exciting than the arrival itself. and when the thing we’ve been waiting for already arrives and is there with us face to face, it’s as if we were not at all that excited (while waiting).  it’s as if we’ve never said  “i can’t wait to….” when we did say this a lot of times. sometimes, we even take it for granted.  and sometimes, just let it pass.  true?

you see, when work doesn’t seem to appeal to me, i look forward for the time when the clock ticks going-home-time.  i start counting the remaining hours until it becomes hour, until it becomes minutes and seconds. but when the exact time arrives…. oh, how could i just let it pass and stay and work overtime instead?  how could i ignore the fact that time already picked me up for home and yet i allowed myself be left behind? did i not wait in excitement for it to come only to realize that i am only gonna let it pass me by?

note: written months ago…. when i felt intensely that going home on time appeared to my colleagues as committing a crime. well, just according to my own interpretation…

no smiles

taken one weekend when we had nothing to do but stroll like tourists in osaka. 

smiling’s just not allowed. strictly prohibited.

expression of love

goodies from my mom.  nesvita, bearbrand, dried mangoes, sunblock, blouse(not on this pic), my niece’s pix (not on this pic). 

thank you ma. 

p.s. i hope nestle will consider me as an endorser. hehe

text msg from my mom

a lot of times, i made mention that my mom is the best mom in the world.  but i never did tell her.

 a very while ago, we were talking on the phone (for almost an hour).  the call ended when i ran out of load.  so the conversation was cut and we had to say goodbye.  quick.

whenever i talk to her, i always tell her i love her. whenever i send her text messages, i always tell her i love her.  but never the fact that i think she is the best mom in the world. i don’t know why. i just didn’t.

 after i put down the phone, i felt i needed to tell her something more and so, i did text her.

my message:  you’re the best mama in the world. good night ma. love you again.

mama’s reply:  ty.miss you so much. (ty=thank you)

and this is reason enough to make me cry.  apparently she’s also crying.  GOD!  if i could be in one place right now, that would be in my home, beside my mom and surrounded by my sisters….